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Have you and your partner hit Gridlock, or are you in the Comfort Cycle?

Believe it or not, relationship problems may indicate that things are going RIGHT.  Sound strange?  Ponder this: When we get together with someone, we accommodate the other – a natural and healthy tendency for a while. But there does come a point when we don’t want to accommodate any longer. This is not because we don’t love our partner (although it can feel like this from time to time); rather, it is because we need to develop ourselves in different ways.

This point of change in relationships is called Gridlock.

Human beings are constantly balancing our desire to accommodate and to feel attached with the need to shape our destiny by controlling the direction of our life, maintaining our sense of autonomy. These two forces are operating separately in each partner. The ability to balance closeness (attachment) and separateness (autonomy) is called differentiation.  Relationships bring with them the process of differentiation, while Gridlock contributes to the growth cycle. There are two important parts of the growth cycle that require mastery. They are: (1) learning to regulate our anxiety and (2) learning self-care in order to feel great. When both partners are regulating anxiety and feeling great, the Comfort Cycle is reached.

In relationships, we have the benefit of experiencing both of these cycles. It is abnormal and unhealthy to be in the comfort Cycle only. It is here that no real significant changes occur. We stick to our comfortable routines. We have sex the way that is comfortable, and we don’t take risks in our communication by expressing our uncomfortable or difficult feelings and needs. Eventually, this gets old (Gridlock) and then someone moves into the Growth Cycle. It’s interesting to note that we usually don’t go into the Growth Cycle by consensus. One person takes the leap, sometimes to the chagrin of the other, since they are not necessarily in that growth mode at the same time.

The need for autonomy and developing oneself is what leads to the Growth Cycle. This change causes anxiety, and for some it can lead to fear of losing the relationship. Some of the couples I have worked with think this is the end of the relationship.  And other couples have taken it further and one or both left their relationship because of Gridlock.

One of my clients left every relationship he was in because of Gridlock. He came to me because he was having a problem creating long-term relationships. He simply never learned to traverse the territory of Gridlock and the Growth Cycle. It didn’t take him long to learn how to calm his anxiety and notice Gridlock within his relationships and learn how to successfully navigate through the territory of the Growth Cycle.

Keeping passion alive in your relationship has everything to do with noticing and accepting Gridlock and learning how to traverse the territory of the Growth Cycle. The Growth Cycle is about reflecting, organizing and communicating your feelings and needs while understanding your partner’s feelings and needs.

If you keep in mind that it is natural to have problems; things are going right when we have problems, then Gridlock will be the door we open to the Growth Cycle. The Growth Cycle leads to more intimacy (‘in-to-me-you-see’) and that leads to more passion and connection in our relationships. To traverse the Growth Cycle, it is important to reflect on and to organize our feelings and needs. To do this, we can take the following key steps:
1. Bring awareness to the fact that we have hit Gridlock and are moving into the Growth Cycle.

2. Listen to our inner voice to determine if we are mentally generating feelings. For example, the catastrophic thought, “I’m being abandoned” would really bring up feelings of fear, anger, sadness and guilt, and most often is far from the truth.

3. Notice how we react based on catastrophic thinking. Work on calming reactivity based on negative/scary thinking. Checking in with ourselves about what meaning we are attaching to our partner’s behaviors is very important. We tend to jump to a negative meaning instead of a meaning that is more neutral or even beneficial. Then we react to our thinking.

4. Regulate our reactivity with breathing and bringing up a nurturing inner voice that is soothing and comforting. Soothing our anxiety and not jumping to thinking the worst—and then reacting to it—is an important skill.

5. Managing our reactions has to do with reflecting on our feelings and needs and discerning which feelings are mentally generated. Discuss your concerns with your partner intimately. ‘These are my feelings and needs. What are your feelings and needs?’ This is intimacy or in-to-me-you-see. With this kind of intimacy, we can keep passion alive.

The Growth Cycle is about the balance of autonomy and attachment. If you would like to learn more about these concepts, I refer you to the book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch.
As we continue to become more skillful at traversing the Growth Cycle with our partner, we will ultimately spend more time in the Comfort Cycle, truly and authentically feeling great.

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